Nothing creepier than meeting someone at a party, talking to them for 5 minutes, then coming home to a Facebook friend request.
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
Relationships are now just one person telling the other person to get off their phone.
I like walking past people getting massages at the airport and yelling, “YEAH, NOT WEIRD AT ALL!”
Maybe so many Americans wouldn’t be on anti-depressants if they read the inspirational quotes on Chipotle bags.
“My other car is a vehicle with a bumper sticker describing this car.”
Sorry but your loud motorcycle isn’t going to fix your shitty childhood.
What a coincidence! Your jokes about the free U2 album also cost nothing, suck and appear on my computer without my permission.
Accidentally said hi to a guy in the hallway who was saying hi to someone behind me. Won’t be talking to another human for at least a decade
“Who won The Voice last year?” would be an impossible password security question.
“Now get out there and hit those guys like they’re women and children!” – NFL locker room halftime speech
I get so excited when someone brings out the cake at a birthday party because that means I can leave soon.
I’m at Home Depot trying to decide between “Eggshell White” and “Complain About A Free U2 Album White”.
“Welcome to the NFL. Just stand against that height chart and we’ll take your picture.”