Allow my innate defense mechanism to entertain you

 
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8 November, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Most of life is spent thinking, “I would have sex with that person.” or “I would not have sex with that person.”

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6 November, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

In his prime, Richard Simmons was, at best, in just okay shape.

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5 November, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Stouffer’s slogan should be, “We’ll help you get through the divorce, Beverly.”

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4 November, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

We’re probably just a few more COEXIST bumper stickers away from world peace by now.

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1 November, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Crazy the only reason some people are starving and suffering in the world is because they aren’t “so blessed”.

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29 October, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Chris Brown got sent to rehab. I would make a joke about this but rehab is a very serious publicity move.

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29 October, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

If you see someone with an obscure Halloween costume this year, don’t ask who they’re supposed to be because that’s exactly what they want.

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21 October, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

It’s Kim Kardashian’s birthday. Which begs the question, “What do you get the person who does nothing?”

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19 October, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

There is nothing more brave than masturbating with less than 3% laptop battery.

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17 October, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

When I see a Scion in my rearview mirror I always pull over and let it pass so no one’s late to the Hoobastank concert.

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15 October, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Imagine a human being with the strength to cancel their Facebook account without making a big melodramatic deal about it.

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12 October, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Remember to always take camera phone pictures at concerts so you can look at them 2 maybe 3 times throughout your life.

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10 October, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Sandra Bullock’s acting in Gravity was based on my mom’s reactions when my dad misses an exit on the highway.

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8 October, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Congratulations, parents! The names yelled at dog parks are now less weird than the names yelled at playgrounds.