Most of life is spent thinking, “I would have sex with that person.” or “I would not have sex with that person.”
In his prime, Richard Simmons was, at best, in just okay shape.
Stouffer’s slogan should be, “We’ll help you get through the divorce, Beverly.”
We’re probably just a few more COEXIST bumper stickers away from world peace by now.
Crazy the only reason some people are starving and suffering in the world is because they aren’t “so blessed”.
Chris Brown got sent to rehab. I would make a joke about this but rehab is a very serious publicity move.
If you see someone with an obscure Halloween costume this year, don’t ask who they’re supposed to be because that’s exactly what they want.
It’s Kim Kardashian’s birthday. Which begs the question, “What do you get the person who does nothing?”
There is nothing more brave than masturbating with less than 3% laptop battery.
When I see a Scion in my rearview mirror I always pull over and let it pass so no one’s late to the Hoobastank concert.
Imagine a human being with the strength to cancel their Facebook account without making a big melodramatic deal about it.
Remember to always take camera phone pictures at concerts so you can look at them 2 maybe 3 times throughout your life.
Sandra Bullock’s acting in Gravity was based on my mom’s reactions when my dad misses an exit on the highway.
Congratulations, parents! The names yelled at dog parks are now less weird than the names yelled at playgrounds.