I get so excited when someone brings out the cake at a birthday party because that means I can leave soon.
You never truly know a friend until you see their reaction after asking for their wifi password.
Is it worth seeing Gravity if I’ve already seen a 5 Gum commercial?
“Check out at this apartment that would be impossible to afford in real life based on this character’s occupation.” – Sitcoms
I’ll never have the energy to be friends with someone who has an underscore in their email address.
Good luck becoming a world famous club DJ if you don’t own a jacket with 600 zippers on it.
If the president doesn’t need to wear a Bluetooth on his ear, no one does.
There is no better feeling in the world than receiving a long, emotional text message and only writing back “k”.
Whenever I see a guy driving a Mustang I wonder if this is the weekend he gets the kids.
Atheism is basically worshipping yourself for having a super unique take on organized religion, right?
I put more thought into choosing Instagram filters than I do birthday gifts.
“Do you take this person to sit in the same room together, staring at computer screens in silence for as long as you both shall live?”
Every sentence in every book I try to read should just say, “I wonder what’s happening on the Internet.”
Anyone can do a great Vin Diesel impression by talking immediately after taking a big bite of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.