Will anyone on Facebook ever have the guts to let everyone else know they married their “best friend”?
It’s nice that when Breaking Bad is on I have the entire Whole Foods to myself.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
The only reason to have a second kid is if your first one doesn’t get a lot of likes on Facebook.
Most important meal of the day?! Get over yourself, breakfast.
By the end of a flight, I’ve found specific reasons to hate every single person on the plane.
Opening an Instagram photo from a link on Twitter is never worth it.
I bet Justin Timberlake being asked to reunite with *NSYNC feels like your mom asking you to call your aunt on her birthday.
“What did you do?” “Genocide. You?” “I shared a 10 Funniest Autocorrect FAILS on Facebook.” – Conversations in Hell
The fantasy part of my fantasy football league is pretending none of the players have murdered people.
2013 me can’t believe 2005 me actually knew 8 people I liked enough to put in a MySpace Top 8.
Putting an ad before a YouTube video is like putting a bouncer in front of a public toilet.
A fun thing to say on Facebook when a friend announces they’re pregnant is “Yuck”.
I bet the Al Qaeda recruiting video is just footage of Americans waiting in line for cupcakes.