Michelangelo seems like a genius until you realize he spent hours of his life carving a dude’s pubes out of marble.
Tan mom is the world’s most successful 7-Eleven rotating hot dog.
“For every action there is an unequal and opposite overreaction.” – Newton’s law of the Internet
“10 Ways to Get That Pale, Doughy Beach Body!” – SHAPE magazine in the 1800s
Chris Brown said he might retire from music. That sure is going to leave him with a lot of time on his fists.
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #45,302.
I’ve never seen anyone wearing an Old Navy t-shirt that was the right fit.
The only form of torture I’d support is tying someone to a chair and having their just out of reach cell phone vibrate every few minutes.
“You know what would make this rice even better? Racism.” – Pitch meeting for Uncle Ben’s
George Zimmerman helped 4 people out of an overturned SUV. I’m guessing it wasn’t a black SUV.
Each cigarette takes 7 seconds off your life but cigarette breaks take 30 minutes off every workday. So, it’s totally worth it.
I just flew in from Florida and boy are my arms tired from shooting whoever I wanted.
It’s never your super successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
I’ve never seen a guy wearing a Hawaiian shirt that didn’t look like he had high cholesterol.