Allow my innate defense mechanism to entertain you

 
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11 July, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Oh, Black Forest ham. Stop being so dramatic.

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9 July, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I get the feeling Taylor Swift has never left a voicemail message shorter than 7 minutes long.

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8 July, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

“This is the most interesting thing about me.” – People who drive yellow cars

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8 July, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

A realistic Applebee’s commercial would show a collection of recently divorced dads blankly staring at the bar’s televisions.

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6 July, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I’m down to about 6 people on earth who I actually enjoy spending longer than 15 minutes with.

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5 July, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I’ve never seen the people in casinos as happy as the people in commercials for casinos.

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2 July, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

The phrase, “You’re on speakerphone” is enough to make you realize we’re all terrible human beings.

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25 June, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

If your wife has a bedazzled cell phone case, it’s going to be a messy divorce.

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24 June, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I’ve never seen a girl under 21 whose iPhone screen wasn’t cracked.

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23 June, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I’ll pay full price for the next iPhone if the only change they make to it is erasing “ducking” from the autocorrect.

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20 June, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Instagram video is great because every time I watch a Vine I always say, “Boy, if only this inane bullshit was longer.”

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19 June, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

My profile on Christian Mingle says I enjoy long walks on the beach with only one set of footprints.

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18 June, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I need you to know “hahaha” is my way of politely ending our text conversation.

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17 June, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

A beauty pageant having a question and answer segment makes about as much sense as a presidential debate having a swimsuit competition.