Oh, Black Forest ham. Stop being so dramatic.
I get the feeling Taylor Swift has never left a voicemail message shorter than 7 minutes long.
“This is the most interesting thing about me.” – People who drive yellow cars
A realistic Applebee’s commercial would show a collection of recently divorced dads blankly staring at the bar’s televisions.
I’m down to about 6 people on earth who I actually enjoy spending longer than 15 minutes with.
I’ve never seen the people in casinos as happy as the people in commercials for casinos.
The phrase, “You’re on speakerphone” is enough to make you realize we’re all terrible human beings.
If your wife has a bedazzled cell phone case, it’s going to be a messy divorce.
I’ve never seen a girl under 21 whose iPhone screen wasn’t cracked.
I’ll pay full price for the next iPhone if the only change they make to it is erasing “ducking” from the autocorrect.
Instagram video is great because every time I watch a Vine I always say, “Boy, if only this inane bullshit was longer.”
My profile on Christian Mingle says I enjoy long walks on the beach with only one set of footprints.
I need you to know “hahaha” is my way of politely ending our text conversation.
A beauty pageant having a question and answer segment makes about as much sense as a presidential debate having a swimsuit competition.