Allow my innate defense mechanism to entertain you

 
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15 June, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I’ve never seen anyone drinking a Big Gulp who looked like they had a good credit score.

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12 June, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

You did yoga. You didn’t negotiate a peace treaty. Stop walking around like that.

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11 June, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him.

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10 June, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

If Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30 likes, tops.

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7 June, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Remember, Grammar Nazis: It’s YOU’RE going to die alone.

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7 June, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

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6 June, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Justin Bieber has planned a trip to space. He’s going to boldly go where everyone wants him to stay.

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4 June, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I’ve never opened the Stocks app on purpose.

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4 June, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

It’s scary to think that we’re probably only a few decades away from electing a president who’s planked.

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2 June, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

“I have to inform you that you’re sitting in an exit row and are legally required to take a photo of the plane wing and post it on Facebook”

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2 June, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I dream of the day when automatic paper towel dispensers finally realize the human hand isn’t 3 inches long.

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31 May, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

“Now That’s What I Call Soup!” – Guy who came up with the name Now That’s What I Call Music looking at yogurt

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30 May, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Those Christian Mingle commercials sure are proud of finding true love for boring, mediocre-looking white people.

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28 May, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Pitbull’s entire career could come crashing down if one day he wakes up and no longer wants to party.