I’ve never seen anyone drinking a Big Gulp who looked like they had a good credit score.
You did yoga. You didn’t negotiate a peace treaty. Stop walking around like that.
I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him.
If Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30 likes, tops.
Remember, Grammar Nazis: It’s YOU’RE going to die alone.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Justin Bieber has planned a trip to space. He’s going to boldly go where everyone wants him to stay.
I’ve never opened the Stocks app on purpose.
It’s scary to think that we’re probably only a few decades away from electing a president who’s planked.
“I have to inform you that you’re sitting in an exit row and are legally required to take a photo of the plane wing and post it on Facebook”
I dream of the day when automatic paper towel dispensers finally realize the human hand isn’t 3 inches long.
“Now That’s What I Call Soup!” – Guy who came up with the name Now That’s What I Call Music looking at yogurt
Those Christian Mingle commercials sure are proud of finding true love for boring, mediocre-looking white people.
Pitbull’s entire career could come crashing down if one day he wakes up and no longer wants to party.