Allow my innate defense mechanism to entertain you

 
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4 May, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Before saying I lived life to the fullest at my funeral keep in mind I checked Instagram 15 times today to see how many likes my burrito got

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2 May, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

The poster for Hangover 3 should just be an idiot throwing 12 dollars into the wind.

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2 May, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

“Let’s hang out non-stop until one of us finds a penis or vagina.” – Friendship

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26 April, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Michael Bublé should release a song called, “Well, Look Who’s Shitting at Starbucks”.

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25 April, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Every day is Take Your Child to Work Day in China.

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25 April, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

My other car is a vehicle with a bumper sticker describing this car.

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24 April, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I’m starting a website to rival Kickstarter where you just give your credit card number to celebrities.

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24 April, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Guy Fieri looks like if the Devil was from Tampa.

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23 April, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

It’s wild to think of the days before text messaging when you had to fake laugh at people in person.

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23 April, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Think of marriage as your first appearance on a reality competition show called So You Think You Can Stand This Person?

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22 April, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

A conference call is a great way for one person to bullshit a dozen other people who are only half-listening.

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17 April, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

CNN is now reporting that Al Gore won Florida.

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13 April, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

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13 April, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Son, when a man and a woman love each other very much that means they’ve probably only been dating 6-9 months.