Before saying I lived life to the fullest at my funeral keep in mind I checked Instagram 15 times today to see how many likes my burrito got
The poster for Hangover 3 should just be an idiot throwing 12 dollars into the wind.
“Let’s hang out non-stop until one of us finds a penis or vagina.” – Friendship
Michael Bublé should release a song called, “Well, Look Who’s Shitting at Starbucks”.
Every day is Take Your Child to Work Day in China.
My other car is a vehicle with a bumper sticker describing this car.
I’m starting a website to rival Kickstarter where you just give your credit card number to celebrities.
Guy Fieri looks like if the Devil was from Tampa.
It’s wild to think of the days before text messaging when you had to fake laugh at people in person.
Think of marriage as your first appearance on a reality competition show called So You Think You Can Stand This Person?
A conference call is a great way for one person to bullshit a dozen other people who are only half-listening.
CNN is now reporting that Al Gore won Florida.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Son, when a man and a woman love each other very much that means they’ve probably only been dating 6-9 months.