Supercuts slogan should be, “It’ll grow out.”
“Nurse, I need 10 cc’s of fluid, a scalpel and 100+ retweets about this kid from a celebrity on Twitter. STAT!” – 2013 doctor
It’s a tight race for World’s Biggest Weirdos between people who buy clothes at Whole Foods and people who get massaged at Whole Foods.
Twitter’s suggestions of who to follow is like your mom trying to set you up on a date.
Louis CK is the most successful person with a goatee.
I feel there’s still hope for this world every time my computer’s spellcheck doesn’t recognize Kardashian.
I can’t believe there’s already another issue of The New Yorker available. I’m not even done pretending to read the last one.
I’m hungry for pancakes AND vague racism. Aunt Jemima, it is!
Nice try, blocked number but I don’t even answer the phone for people I know.
So sick of mannequin makers mailing it in. Put a butthole on those things!
I spent 7 minutes trying to click out of a pop-up ad until I realized it was Kristen Chenowith standing in front of my computer.
Here’s to Jesus turning water into something white women constantly Instagram.
If you ask someone, “Why’d you unfollow me?” You already have your answer.
Sent an emoticon to a guy friend and we haven’t made eye contact since.