Allow my innate defense mechanism to entertain you

 
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7 September, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

If you need me I’ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn’t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.

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31 August, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Jennifer Lawrence nude pics leaked. And now millions of husbands wait patiently for their wives to go run an errand.

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31 August, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Every woman’s dessert order starts with, “I shouldn’t.”

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29 August, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I liked a friend’s Instagram photo 3 seconds after they posted it and now have to spend my entire life proving to them I’m not a total loser

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25 August, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I guarantee the friend who still owes you money is at Burning Man.

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20 August, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

It’s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.

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20 August, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Remember high-maintenance women, it’s yell into phone, sip from straw in giant iced coffee and repeat until Range Rover gets to destination.

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18 August, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I hope after my autopsy they tell everyone they found marijuana in my system so everyone knows I was cool.

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16 August, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Before buying a reusable grocery bag, ask yourself, “Am I willing to use this once and forget it in my car every time after that?”

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16 August, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

An easy way to get out of having to hold your friend’s baby is saying, “I shouldn’t. I’ve dropped like seven of them.”

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14 August, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Did you know the only training program for the Ferguson Police Department is beating Grand Theft Auto?

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10 August, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

The opposite of doing ecstasy is hearing a band say, “This next one’s off the new album”.

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8 August, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Most people don’t know Steve Jobs’ last words were, “Never…let them…delete…the Stocks app.”

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7 August, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Do I need to show a medicinal marijuana ID card if I’m already wearing camouflage cargo shorts?