If you need me I’ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn’t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Jennifer Lawrence nude pics leaked. And now millions of husbands wait patiently for their wives to go run an errand.
Every woman’s dessert order starts with, “I shouldn’t.”
I liked a friend’s Instagram photo 3 seconds after they posted it and now have to spend my entire life proving to them I’m not a total loser
I guarantee the friend who still owes you money is at Burning Man.
It’s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
Remember high-maintenance women, it’s yell into phone, sip from straw in giant iced coffee and repeat until Range Rover gets to destination.
I hope after my autopsy they tell everyone they found marijuana in my system so everyone knows I was cool.
Before buying a reusable grocery bag, ask yourself, “Am I willing to use this once and forget it in my car every time after that?”
An easy way to get out of having to hold your friend’s baby is saying, “I shouldn’t. I’ve dropped like seven of them.”
Did you know the only training program for the Ferguson Police Department is beating Grand Theft Auto?
The opposite of doing ecstasy is hearing a band say, “This next one’s off the new album”.
Most people don’t know Steve Jobs’ last words were, “Never…let them…delete…the Stocks app.”
Do I need to show a medicinal marijuana ID card if I’m already wearing camouflage cargo shorts?