I’ve never seen a guy wearing a Hawaiian shirt that didn’t look like he had high cholesterol.
Every business guy on a phone at the airport is “just touching base”.
“Would you like to open a tab?” “Sure. I’d love to forget my credit card here and have an extra errand to do tomorrow.”
The Florida state flag should be an arm hanging out the window of a Dodge Challenger holding a cigarette.
“Do you want fries or salad with that?” = “Sex with Kate Upton or a lecture from Gwyneth Paltrow?”
Is it worth seeing Edge of Tomorrow if I’ve already seen a commercial for 5 Gum?
Undercover Boss should be called World’s Dumbest Employees Can’t Tell That’s a Fake Mustache.
“It takes like 3 episodes to get into it.” – Everyone about every TV show
People who write “Thanks in advance,” should just type “Fuck you,”
Well, what a surprise. The Giant Sunglasses Woman has a complicated Starbucks order.
“Wanna come to a party?” “Sure. I’d love to spend two whole hours standing around while people recommend TV shows to me I’ll never watch.”
Hey banks, enough with the “Thank you for banking with us”. We only have like 3 options and you’re all terrible.
Every fortune inside a Panda Express fortune cookie should read, “You will pull your car over to take an outdoors emergency shit.”
Nothing makes me feel better than a photo of a sandwich getting more Instagram likes than a picture of someone’s kid.