Allow my innate defense mechanism to entertain you

 
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27 June, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I’ve never seen a guy wearing a Hawaiian shirt that didn’t look like he had high cholesterol.

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23 June, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Every business guy on a phone at the airport is “just touching base”.

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21 June, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

“Would you like to open a tab?” “Sure. I’d love to forget my credit card here and have an extra errand to do tomorrow.”

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21 June, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

The Florida state flag should be an arm hanging out the window of a Dodge Challenger holding a cigarette.

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17 June, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

“Do you want fries or salad with that?” = “Sex with Kate Upton or a lecture from Gwyneth Paltrow?”

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14 June, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Is it worth seeing Edge of Tomorrow if I’ve already seen a commercial for 5 Gum?

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13 June, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Undercover Boss should be called World’s Dumbest Employees Can’t Tell That’s a Fake Mustache.

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10 June, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

“It takes like 3 episodes to get into it.” – Everyone about every TV show

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6 June, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

People who write “Thanks in advance,” should just type “Fuck you,”

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5 June, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Well, what a surprise. The Giant Sunglasses Woman has a complicated Starbucks order.

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4 June, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

“Wanna come to a party?” “Sure. I’d love to spend two whole hours standing around while people recommend TV shows to me I’ll never watch.”

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3 June, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Hey banks, enough with the “Thank you for banking with us”. We only have like 3 options and you’re all terrible.

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3 June, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Every fortune inside a Panda Express fortune cookie should read, “You will pull your car over to take an outdoors emergency shit.”

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2 June, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Nothing makes me feel better than a photo of a sandwich getting more Instagram likes than a picture of someone’s kid.