Allow my innate defense mechanism to entertain you

 
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1 June, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

The best thing a trainer can yell at an exercise class is, “C’mon! Your enemies want to see you fat on Facebook!”

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31 May, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

A fun thing to write on Facebook when someone announces they’re pregnant is, “Oh my god. I’m so sorry. Sending positive vibes.”

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29 May, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I only drive a Prius to make up for my “grab 80, use 2” napkin policy at fast food restaurants.

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25 May, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

“I’ll wait in the car.” – Dads

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19 May, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

You know you live in a shitty city if no rapper’s ever yelled it in a song.

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14 May, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

“You’re going to love my friend. He’s hilarious.” is still the best way to know you’re about to meet an annoying person.

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12 May, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Another day done. Time to kick back and second-guess every social interaction I had at work.

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4 May, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Guy Fieri looks like the gay devil.

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1 May, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Did you know the most common food allergy is being a little bitch?

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27 April, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Did you know most car crashes are just people trying to destroy their radio after someone on NPR pronounces the “p” in raspberry?

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25 April, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

We all have that 3-week-old unheard voicemail from our mother on our phone.

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19 April, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Just sending out a giant fuck you to the person who decided the music on an iPhone should lower every time you get a text.

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17 April, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Before going to the gym, Google “Arnold Schwarzenegger shirtless 2014”, click “Images” and stay home instead.

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13 April, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

The Masters, Coachella and Mad Men all happening on the same day is like a solar eclipse for white people.