The best thing a trainer can yell at an exercise class is, “C’mon! Your enemies want to see you fat on Facebook!”
A fun thing to write on Facebook when someone announces they’re pregnant is, “Oh my god. I’m so sorry. Sending positive vibes.”
I only drive a Prius to make up for my “grab 80, use 2” napkin policy at fast food restaurants.
“I’ll wait in the car.” – Dads
You know you live in a shitty city if no rapper’s ever yelled it in a song.
“You’re going to love my friend. He’s hilarious.” is still the best way to know you’re about to meet an annoying person.
Another day done. Time to kick back and second-guess every social interaction I had at work.
Guy Fieri looks like the gay devil.
Did you know the most common food allergy is being a little bitch?
Did you know most car crashes are just people trying to destroy their radio after someone on NPR pronounces the “p” in raspberry?
We all have that 3-week-old unheard voicemail from our mother on our phone.
Just sending out a giant fuck you to the person who decided the music on an iPhone should lower every time you get a text.
Before going to the gym, Google “Arnold Schwarzenegger shirtless 2014”, click “Images” and stay home instead.
The Masters, Coachella and Mad Men all happening on the same day is like a solar eclipse for white people.