Pre-Coachella To-Do List: 1. Pack a big, stupid hat 2. That’s it
I’m waiting for the episode of COSMOS where it’s explained how a black guy is named Neil.
I can always tell which waiters are just in it for the money and which are in it for the love of grossly exaggerating how hot plates are.
“Sorry. You failed the driving test.” “So I can’t drive?” “You can. You just have to put a dozen stuffed animals in your car’s rear window.”
So Las Vegas is mostly just fat people pointing at fountains.
People who cheer at concerts when a musician says the name of their city are the most easily impressed people on earth.
The longer a Facebook photo of someone’s kid goes unliked, the stronger I become.
Hey, guys driving around in old cop cars. Fuck you.
“What makes you think you can be a bartender in 2014?” “Well, I have 700 tattoos and Macklemore’s haircut.” “You start Friday.”
“You’re a lucky man.” is a great way to tell someone, “I’d like to have sex with your wife.”
Happy Black History Month! I can say that because some of my best friends are history majors.
Apolo Ohno trained his entire life so he could tell us about sandwiches.
The weirdest sentence known to man is still, “I live in Las Vegas.”
A ring from a jewelry store at the mall is the perfect way to say, “This might not work out.”