Allow my innate defense mechanism to entertain you

 
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12 April, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Pre-Coachella To-Do List: 1. Pack a big, stupid hat 2. That’s it

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12 April, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I’m waiting for the episode of COSMOS where it’s explained how a black guy is named Neil.

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5 April, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I can always tell which waiters are just in it for the money and which are in it for the love of grossly exaggerating how hot plates are.

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4 April, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

“Sorry. You failed the driving test.” “So I can’t drive?” “You can. You just have to put a dozen stuffed animals in your car’s rear window.”

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25 March, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

So Las Vegas is mostly just fat people pointing at fountains.

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18 March, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

People who cheer at concerts when a musician says the name of their city are the most easily impressed people on earth.

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13 March, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

The longer a Facebook photo of someone’s kid goes unliked, the stronger I become.

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11 March, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Hey, guys driving around in old cop cars. Fuck you.

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9 March, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

“What makes you think you can be a bartender in 2014?” “Well, I have 700 tattoos and Macklemore’s haircut.” “You start Friday.”

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5 March, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

“You’re a lucky man.” is a great way to tell someone, “I’d like to have sex with your wife.”

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4 February, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Happy Black History Month! I can say that because some of my best friends are history majors.

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3 February, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Apolo Ohno trained his entire life so he could tell us about sandwiches.

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30 January, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

The weirdest sentence known to man is still, “I live in Las Vegas.”

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29 January, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

A ring from a jewelry store at the mall is the perfect way to say, “This might not work out.”