Allow my innate defense mechanism to entertain you

 
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28 January, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Imagine being so out of touch with reality you invite someone to an event through Facebook.

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23 January, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.

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21 January, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Writer’s block for Jimmy Buffett is probably just him trying to think of more words that rhyme with sand.

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19 January, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

When you complain about dropping your phone remember that there are people who are starving who’ll totally make you another one.

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16 January, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Just saw a girl in a limo. Probably someone super famous. They don’t let just any complete idiot willing to throw away money in those things

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14 January, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

The police are searching Justin Bieber’s house for eggs. “Take your time.” said every rape and murder.

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14 January, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Did you know you can call in sick to work if you see someone eating breakfast at Taco Bell?

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13 January, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

The record for most people ever in a GNC is 3.

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10 January, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Do I believe in climate change? Sorry, there’s not enough scientific evidence. Do I believe in a magical guy in the sky? Of course!

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8 January, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Did you know namaste is an ancient word meaning, “I’m a rich white housewife”?

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7 January, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Driving a PT Cruiser says, “I made a 25 thousand dollar mistake in 2002.”

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7 January, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Remember, the people complaining about the cold right now are the ones who couldn’t live in LA because they “just love the changing seasons”

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6 January, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

If I ever get hit by a car I hope it’s a Porsche because at least I’ll ruin an asshole’s day.

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4 January, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

There’s no bigger lie than a standing ovation at the end of a play.