Imagine being so out of touch with reality you invite someone to an event through Facebook.
A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.
Writer’s block for Jimmy Buffett is probably just him trying to think of more words that rhyme with sand.
When you complain about dropping your phone remember that there are people who are starving who’ll totally make you another one.
Just saw a girl in a limo. Probably someone super famous. They don’t let just any complete idiot willing to throw away money in those things
The police are searching Justin Bieber’s house for eggs. “Take your time.” said every rape and murder.
Did you know you can call in sick to work if you see someone eating breakfast at Taco Bell?
The record for most people ever in a GNC is 3.
Do I believe in climate change? Sorry, there’s not enough scientific evidence. Do I believe in a magical guy in the sky? Of course!
Did you know namaste is an ancient word meaning, “I’m a rich white housewife”?
Driving a PT Cruiser says, “I made a 25 thousand dollar mistake in 2002.”
Remember, the people complaining about the cold right now are the ones who couldn’t live in LA because they “just love the changing seasons”
If I ever get hit by a car I hope it’s a Porsche because at least I’ll ruin an asshole’s day.
There’s no bigger lie than a standing ovation at the end of a play.