Allow my innate defense mechanism to entertain you

 
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4 January, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

The creepiest thing you can do is drive next to someone on the highway at the exact same speed.

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3 January, 2014
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

What a coincidence. The pause after someone says, “Wait for it…” is the perfect amount of time it would take to punch them in the face.

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31 December, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

A Facebook friend just used the same number of exclamation points to say he’s eating guacamole as he did to announce the birth of his kid.

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24 December, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

You spent a week in Europe? Congrats! You’re now qualified to make sweeping generalizations about how all Europeans feel about Americans.

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22 December, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Remember to crowd around the baggage carousel like it’s armageddon and the bags are the last remaining food items on earth, you animals.

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22 December, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

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13 December, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

For each sip of Monster Energy Drink they should deduct ten points from your credit score.

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12 December, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Religion had me at, “Hey, wanna live forever in eternal bliss?” And lost me at, “Okay, read this giant book first.”

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10 December, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

It’s looking like nothing better has come up, so yes, I will be attending your holiday party!

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7 December, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

“Hmm, what would this person really enjoy throwing into the garbage two weeks from now?” – Shopping for Secret Santa

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5 December, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

I get where you’re coming from but maybe don’t “Like” the Nelson Mandela Dies at 95 articles on Facebook.

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3 December, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Okay girls 21 and under. We have enough pictures of your face now.

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3 December, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

The only people who don’t click “Skip” on ads before YouTube videos are people who died during that ad.

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2 December, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

No one on Facebook has the balls to admit they married their fourth best friend.