The creepiest thing you can do is drive next to someone on the highway at the exact same speed.
What a coincidence. The pause after someone says, “Wait for it…” is the perfect amount of time it would take to punch them in the face.
A Facebook friend just used the same number of exclamation points to say he’s eating guacamole as he did to announce the birth of his kid.
You spent a week in Europe? Congrats! You’re now qualified to make sweeping generalizations about how all Europeans feel about Americans.
Remember to crowd around the baggage carousel like it’s armageddon and the bags are the last remaining food items on earth, you animals.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
For each sip of Monster Energy Drink they should deduct ten points from your credit score.
Religion had me at, “Hey, wanna live forever in eternal bliss?” And lost me at, “Okay, read this giant book first.”
It’s looking like nothing better has come up, so yes, I will be attending your holiday party!
“Hmm, what would this person really enjoy throwing into the garbage two weeks from now?” – Shopping for Secret Santa
I get where you’re coming from but maybe don’t “Like” the Nelson Mandela Dies at 95 articles on Facebook.
Okay girls 21 and under. We have enough pictures of your face now.
The only people who don’t click “Skip” on ads before YouTube videos are people who died during that ad.
No one on Facebook has the balls to admit they married their fourth best friend.