Ending an email with “Thanks in advance” is a great way to be an asshole in the present.
Imagine your threshold for entertainment being so low you actually enjoy parades.
Thanks for the invite to your housewarming party but I’d rather not be forced to robotically say “Wow” every time you show me a new room.
Kanye West sure is an egomaniac. Not those other rappers though, they brag just the right amount.
Time to sit back and watch your family’s Thanksgiving dinner conversation follow the same progression of every YouTube comment thread.
NPR is on minute nine of people describing their favorite pies in case you’re wondering why people risk everything to live in America.
Most of marriage is one person announcing they’re going to get something from the kitchen and the other person saying, “Get me one too.”
Every workplace Hanukkah display screams, “We legally had to do this.”
Oxford Dictionary said “selfie” is the Word of the Year. If you want to look it up, you’ll find it before “we’re” and after “screwed”.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
A good way to know you’ll be paying more than 5 dollars for a coffee is if the guy making it looks like one of the Lumineers.
Hey, guy in charge of making iPhone text messages in TV shows look like real iPhone text messages: Not even close.
Nothing tests human willpower more than your phone vibrating in your pocket while someone is telling a story.
Yeah, I can’t believe the shitty teenager making minimum wage at the coffee shop spelled your name wrong on your cup either.