Allow my innate defense mechanism to entertain you

 
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2 December, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Ending an email with “Thanks in advance” is a great way to be an asshole in the present.

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1 December, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Imagine your threshold for entertainment being so low you actually enjoy parades.

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30 November, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Thanks for the invite to your housewarming party but I’d rather not be forced to robotically say “Wow” every time you show me a new room.

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29 November, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Kanye West sure is an egomaniac. Not those other rappers though, they brag just the right amount.

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28 November, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Time to sit back and watch your family’s Thanksgiving dinner conversation follow the same progression of every YouTube comment thread.

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21 November, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

NPR is on minute nine of people describing their favorite pies in case you’re wondering why people risk everything to live in America.

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20 November, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Most of marriage is one person announcing they’re going to get something from the kitchen and the other person saying, “Get me one too.”

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20 November, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Every workplace Hanukkah display screams, “We legally had to do this.”

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19 November, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Oxford Dictionary said “selfie” is the Word of the Year. If you want to look it up, you’ll find it before “we’re” and after “screwed”.

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19 November, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

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18 November, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

A good way to know you’ll be paying more than 5 dollars for a coffee is if the guy making it looks like one of the Lumineers.

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18 November, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Hey, guy in charge of making iPhone text messages in TV shows look like real iPhone text messages: Not even close.

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14 November, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Nothing tests human willpower more than your phone vibrating in your pocket while someone is telling a story.

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12 November, 2013
Damien Fahey @DamienFahey

Yeah, I can’t believe the shitty teenager making minimum wage at the coffee shop spelled your name wrong on your cup either.