I'd be a scary president based on how drunk with power I become when I'm in control of a window shade on a plane.

There's probably only 7 people in all of history who actually deserved a standing ovation.

Accidentally opened GarageBand again.

"People wait 10 seconds for a 6 second video to load." - Sales pitch for Vine

The next Fast and the Furious should just be two hours of a guy doing steroids inside of a Nissan Cube.

Donald Rumsfeld is against gay marriage. He believes marriage should be between an administration and mountains of faulty intelligence.

Hey, companies. No one has their confirmation number. You're the company, you do the work.

"Please slate your name for the camera." "Jaden Smith." "Great job. You're hired." - After Earth casting process

I've never not silently said, "Of course." after finding out someone I've been talking to owns a ferret.

Yes, America's the fattest nation on earth but that also means we're the funniest when falling off bicycles.