The Fahey Chronicles
Don't forget to stuff your crying infant into a costume of your choosing because kids are merely props to get you more Instagram likes.
6 hours ago
Stop telling women to smile and start telling everyone smiling to stop.
Proud to say I don't catcall women. I take a mental snapshot and masturbate to them after my wife falls asleep like a gentleman.
2 days ago
"Hi, I've never seen or used a computer before." "No problem. Just get in the self-checkout aisle ahead of Damien Fahey at every store."
3 days ago
The people on Facebook who brag about marrying their "best friend" should also have to post a status update when they get divorced.
3 days ago
Remember, if you swallow something poisonous, the easiest way to induce vomiting is to overhear a man saying, "We're pregnant."
I just watched an inspirational TED Talk to give me the strength to listen to a voicemail.
Malala is the bravest person alive but after her it's gotta be anyone eating a hot dog at the movies.
When I see a girl under the age of 25 texting, I think, "So nice she's taking a break from photographing her face."
It would take me being quarantined for Ebola to finally watch an internet video longer than 2 minutes.
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