The Gist – A better way to barely read the news

JUSTIN BIEBER HEADING TO ONE PLACE WHERE NO ONE’S SICK OF HIM YET

SOMEONE WHO OBVIOUSLY CAN’T BE TRUSTED WITH MONEY SPENDS $13,000 ON FAKE LADY GAGA FINGERNAIL

STING RELEASING NEW ALBUM TO BE OVERHEAD WHILE WAITING FOR YOUR ORDER AT STARBUCKS

MCDONALDS’ PLASTIC BOWLS FULL OF WILTED LETTUCE AND ANEMIC VEGETABLES APPARENTLY NOT SELLING WELL

PARIS WHAT’S-HER-NAME FROM 2004 SIGNS RECORD DEAL WITH HIP HOP LABEL

GREEK YOGURT MAY DESTROY THE ENVIRONMENT AS BADLY AS GREEK ECONOMIC POLICIES DESTROYED GREECE

FOX COMMITS TO 12 NEW EPISODES OF KIEFER SUTHERLAND SWEATING,
PISTOL WHIPPING, SHOUTING “DAMMIT, THERE’S NOT ENOUGH TIME!”

TORONTO PITCHER RELEASED FROM HOSPITAL AFTER BASEBALL UNINTENTIONALLY CHARGES MOUND

WORLD’S FIRST WEBSITE HARKENS BACK TO SIMPLER TIME WHEN SEXY SINGLES COULD NOT BE FOUND IN YOUR AREA

NETFLIX ERASES 1,800 CLASSIC FILMS WHILE ‘TREMORS 3’ STILL AVAILABLE TO STREAM 24/7

COMPANY RESPONSIBLE FOR SPICE GIRLS CURRENTLY DOING MORE SPACE TRAVEL THAN NASA

EA SPORTS JOINS UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN IN PROFITING FROM DENARD ROBINSON’S LIKENESS

OSCAR WINNING ACTRESS, SINGER, AUTHOR, PHILANTHROPIST TOPS GIRLFRIEND PUNCHER IN MOST HATED CELEBRITY POLL

ADORABLE PUBLIC THINKS CUTE LITTLE PETITION WILL SWAY GIANT MULTINATIONAL CORPORATION’S FINANCIAL INTERESTS

$500 MILLION WRIGLEY UPGRADE TO LET CUBS FANS WATCH .400 BALL IN STYLE

ATHLETIC APPAREL COMPANY DECIDES 300-POUND MUSICIAN NO LONGER REPRESENTS ITS VALUES

U.S Justice System applied to rich white guy

968,000 people in year 2013 pay for album